The Host Romp Continues

"Jeez, Tyson says he's better at Halo, and then just uses host shotgun." ---- "Dave, we're all on the same xbox, there's no host." ----- "Oh, Tyson is still hosting up that n00b shotgun." ----- "Dave, you just killed me." ---- "God Tyson, stop using host for ONE second!" ----- "THERE'S NO HOST! We're playing Dead or Alive!" -The Host Romp Continues


While waiting in line at a KFC where outside, protesters are picketing against the establishment and how it treats it's animals, two protesters are seen inside, in the line: "Uhh, hey, aren't you protesting KFC?" ----- "Yeah, well, we're only getting the fries, okay?" -A friend of mine and a protester


"I think cliffhanger endings are..." -Get it?


"Well baby, when I first saw you, we were at the hippy rock show. You called me an ignorant male oppressor, and spat in my face because I like meat. But the first time I got a whiff of that patchouli you were wearing, oh, I knew it was love. I think we're gonna make it." -Reese Roper



Once, Rebecca got me a new shirt. Logically, I figured the next step after receiving it was tearing my other shirt to pieces, putting it in a bag, and leaving it behind the Dairy Queen counter in the mall when the girl wasn't looking. Then Rebecca told me that I couldn't go join Women's Fitness. What a day. -Me at the mall



"Now the world doesn't work cause we've broken it,
And we need dope or Prozac just to cope with it,
Now the beast speaks his peace to the congress,
Plans to propagate, proposition 666.
Hitler's still alive in the knives of abortionists,
And the news twists the truth like contortionists,
And they wonder what happened to humanity?
They say "peace" but we're headed for THE DAIRY QUEEN" -The best parody ever written



Trixie
Tricky
Turkey
Turker
Turk
Foobar -The degeneration of my dog's name by me

(Regarding above: After a spellcheck, the only name on the list of dog names revealed to be a spelling error was Turker. Think about it.)



"So, how long have you two been dating?"----
*Checks watch*
"Nearly 11 months." -I heart my watch



"Looks like you're gonna fail math Dave. You'll be in a lot of trouble when your parents find out."----- "Not if I blow math up!" *pulls out dynamite plunger*------ "Dave, what could you have possibly strapped dynamite to, that would blow up math?" ----- "Stephen Hawking."
-It's about time someone blew him up



"Homer, there's someone here who I think can help you."
"Is it Batman?"
"No, it's a scientist."
"Batman's a scientist."
"It's not Batman!" -Homer and Marge



"Let's go outside, Foobar."



-Dave

Foo Boo Magoo

I was out walking yesterday, after work, when I noticed a man stumbling oddly across the street. I walked over to see if he was okay to find him coughing blood. He collapsed on the ground, and I assumed the worst. I called 911, and within minutes, EMS showed up. The medics jumped from the ambulance, and began spitting blood as well. They fell over, dead, within seconds.
I had no idea what was happening, so I ran home as fast as I could. Men, women, and children, lay dead or dying on the sidewalks and streets. I saw a jet crash out of the sky into the public pool. I could only assume that hundreds lost their lives.
When I arrived at home, I saw a terrible sight. My dog impaled on a long pike, my brother and sister bound together and shot, and my parents hanging from a tree branch by a rope around the neck. I collapsed to the ground at let out a heart-piercing scream.
It was about that time Ashton Kutcher jumped out from a bush and yelled, "You got Punk'd!"

"Jackie Chan's not Asian, he's Chinese." -Andrew, on idiocy

"I'm so sick of you quoting that!" -Andrew, again

"And with that, Mitchell got a real taste of anger. It tasted like cold scrambled eggs, which only added to his rage." -Anger in it's truest of forms

"Frito" -One of the Jackson 6

John didn't ever get his answer to whether it was spelled "mousse" or "moose", because he was trampled by a moose. Or was it a mousse? -Makes you think

"Know what you should think about? Why we drive on parkways, and park on driveways." "Know what you should think about? Wearing a bathrobe or some pajamas or something when you get your morning paper." -A thinker

Passion Flakie

Good evening reader. Today was another pointless, aimless, schoolless day.

I showed a friend this blog and they asked me why I made it. I figured I had explained it well enough, but apparently not. Let me tell you the true story behind No Voicebox.



I was sitting at my computer, drunk on power, and blinded in the dull flickering light on my dirty basement. I put out my cigarette on my forearm, and crushed my beer can on my head. My cat was moaning about not being fed for a week, so I threw my monitor at him. After I replaced my monitor, and shook off my hangover, I logged on to blogger, moved my mouse over the "Create a Blog" button, and said to myself in a wacky British accent, "Why the hell not, mate?"

With that, I made my blog, and buried my cat. And here we are. THAT'S HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED



I wanted to avoid working one day, so I got an armful of cardboard and started doing laps of the sales floor. My boss came up to me after about an hour of that and asked, "David, what are you doing with that cardboard?" I looked at her for a second, and thinking quickly I responded, "Foo boo magoo!" With that I threw my armful of cardboard at her and ran away. I bet she's still standing there. Standing there thinking, what the hell...what the hell? -A story


"Oh Dave, you got a bird?" "Yep." "What's his name?" "Bird." "That's not very creative." "Bird doesn't like you." -What I SHOULD have said


"I closed the car door on my hand." -A detailed retelling of the saddest story ever told



Some people look at it this way: I paid $60 for Crackdown, and the Halo 3 Beta is a bonus.

Some people look at it this way: I paid $6o for the Halo 3 Beta, and Crackdown is a bonus.

I look at it this way: Crackdown sucks the big one.


"Crackdown is one of those games that makes you want to play another game." "What game?" "The game where you put a gun to your head, and see how many times you can pull the trigger before you die." -Someone much wiser than I


"Miiiiiniiiii....wheats wheats wheats..." -Spontaneus Nate


"And with that, everyone took off on their pogo sticks." -The climax of a thrilling story


"Strawberries are just...oh my God...perfection." -Anonymous Strawberry Enthusiast


"What's the worst part about losing your legs in the war, Grandpa?" "...not being able to walk, you ignorant little prick!" -An undesirable grandfather


"War is a terrible thing...just terrible." "So is fast food." -Brilliant. Just Brilliant.


"Done and done" -Dave on finishing