Yes no maybe I don't know. Can you repeat the question?

Welcome to the FUTURE of spaceflight and spanish technology.
            ^This is an untrue statement regarding this blog for the strict and LONE reason that it is impossible that you read this blog in anything but the past. The past sucks. The only thing that ever happened in the shitty past is everything so far. So what



David: *explains something about youtube and social networks to 58 year old coworker*
Andrew:  "Don't waste your time. Swine don't need culture."
Coworker: "Excuse me?"
David:    "Don't explain yourself Andrew, there's no point. Can't teach an old pig new tricks."
Coworker:   "Every group of people has a smart ass. Looks like this one has two..."
Andrew:   "Yeah, and one pig."
Coworker:    "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO"





David and his boss discussing a future fix coming to the point of sale software at work. Paul is the lead programmer:

Boss: "So, they'll be adding those features in the next patch."
David: "It's about time."
Boss: "Yeah, Paul assured me that the new batch system will actually work this time around."
David: "Oh yeah, how's his wife doing?"
Boss: "W-what?"
David: "Paul's wife. How is she?"
Boss: "I-I don't know..."
David:  "Huh, that's kind of strange."
Boss:  "Why?"
David: "I haven't heard much from her lately."
Boss:  "What do you mean? What's going on with Paul's wife?"
David: "I don't know, boss... that's why I'm asking you."
Boss:  *frustrated* "Wha-  Ju-   What's so important about Paul's wife?!"
David:  *equally frustrated* "I don't know, boss! I've never even met the damn woman!"
Boss: "THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING ABOUT HER!?"
David:  "I'M JUST BEING POLITE!"
Boss:  ......




Did you know that roosters are the only animals that have beaks?


Coworker: *writing out the hours for a new week*   "What day is it today?"
David:    "The twenty-ferth"
Coworker: *writes in the hours book for a few minutes, then looks at the computer* "Damn it Dave, it's not the twenty-first."
David: "I agree with that. It's the twenty-ferth."      -Pronunced like a champin of werds.



"The scariest part isn't the rate at which the oil is leaking, but rather, spiders." -Amir



Did you know that spiders are the only mammals that have beaks?



When I rule the world, I'll have cities where like fifteen streets have the same name.



We were two castaways that had washed up on a desert island. However, between us existed a language barrier- him being spanish, myself speaking only english. Over the years on that island I was puzzled by a sign he would frantically make. But with time, I was able to wrap my brain around it, and boy did I feel silly. He was choking. Just choking.         Rest in peace...eduardo... I can only assume his name was... -What a silly language.




They're called "FRENCH fries", because they're the only living things that have beaks.




"I think giraffes should be called 'long neck horses', and regular horses should be called 'dwarf-necked long neck horses'. Easier to remember."




Rhinoceres' are like fat, ugly, unfuckable unicorns. Coincidentally, they happen to be the only reptile that has a beak.





TERMS I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ADDED TO THE DICTIONARY:

Quantum-Phallus        The ring of plastic that seals the cap to the top of a water bottle.

Retord                       A silly man of stupid dumbness, and kooky genetics.

Butterfly kisses (prison-style)

Squashed cumbug     When you swat a drop of semen with a flacid penis and it splashes into someone's eye.

Mexican stand-up       When a mexican goes from a sitting or laying position to fully upright.

Calamari                     Fried rings of an onion.

Onion rings                  A five-some where every participant gets pregnant.

Five-some                   Sex with five members, obviously.

Scrambadoos              Zwoop zwoop crabba doo-da



Every time you scramble an egg, that's why there's a rainbow when it the pot of gold is at the end of walking under a broken mirror that's- RUMPLE-GOD DAMN-STILTSKIN, BITCH.     -scrambled eggs



-Dave