Welcome to the FUTURE of spaceflight and spanish technology.
^This is an untrue statement regarding this blog for the strict and LONE reason that it is impossible that you read this blog in anything but the past. The past sucks. The only thing that ever happened in the shitty past is everything so far. So what
David: *explains something about youtube and social networks to 58 year old coworker*
Andrew: "Don't waste your time. Swine don't need culture."
Coworker: "Excuse me?"
David: "Don't explain yourself Andrew, there's no point. Can't teach an old pig new tricks."
Coworker: "Every group of people has a smart ass. Looks like this one has two..."
Andrew: "Yeah, and one pig."
Coworker: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO"
David and his boss discussing a future fix coming to the point of sale software at work. Paul is the lead programmer:
Boss: "So, they'll be adding those features in the next patch."
David: "It's about time."
Boss: "Yeah, Paul assured me that the new batch system will actually work this time around."
David: "Oh yeah, how's his wife doing?"
Boss: "W-what?"
David: "Paul's wife. How is she?"
Boss: "I-I don't know..."
David: "Huh, that's kind of strange."
Boss: "Why?"
David: "I haven't heard much from her lately."
Boss: "What do you mean? What's going on with Paul's wife?"
David: "I don't know, boss... that's why I'm asking you."
Boss: *frustrated* "Wha- Ju- What's so important about Paul's wife?!"
David: *equally frustrated* "I don't know, boss! I've never even met the damn woman!"
Boss: "THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING ABOUT HER!?"
David: "I'M JUST BEING POLITE!"
Boss: ......
Did you know that roosters are the only animals that have beaks?
Coworker: *writing out the hours for a new week* "What day is it today?"
David: "The twenty-ferth"
Coworker: *writes in the hours book for a few minutes, then looks at the computer* "Damn it Dave, it's not the twenty-first."
David: "I agree with that. It's the twenty-ferth." -Pronunced like a champin of werds.
"The scariest part isn't the rate at which the oil is leaking, but rather, spiders." -Amir
Did you know that spiders are the only mammals that have beaks?
When I rule the world, I'll have cities where like fifteen streets have the same name.
We were two castaways that had washed up on a desert island. However, between us existed a language barrier- him being spanish, myself speaking only english. Over the years on that island I was puzzled by a sign he would frantically make. But with time, I was able to wrap my brain around it, and boy did I feel silly. He was choking. Just choking. Rest in peace...eduardo... I can only assume his name was... -What a silly language.
They're called "FRENCH fries", because they're the only living things that have beaks.
"I think giraffes should be called 'long neck horses', and regular horses should be called 'dwarf-necked long neck horses'. Easier to remember."
Rhinoceres' are like fat, ugly, unfuckable unicorns. Coincidentally, they happen to be the only reptile that has a beak.
TERMS I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ADDED TO THE DICTIONARY:
Quantum-Phallus The ring of plastic that seals the cap to the top of a water bottle.
Retord A silly man of stupid dumbness, and kooky genetics.
Butterfly kisses (prison-style)
Squashed cumbug When you swat a drop of semen with a flacid penis and it splashes into someone's eye.
Mexican stand-up When a mexican goes from a sitting or laying position to fully upright.
Calamari Fried rings of an onion.
Onion rings A five-some where every participant gets pregnant.
Five-some Sex with five members, obviously.
Scrambadoos Zwoop zwoop crabba doo-da
Every time you scramble an egg, that's why there's a rainbow when it the pot of gold is at the end of walking under a broken mirror that's- RUMPLE-GOD DAMN-STILTSKIN, BITCH. -scrambled eggs
-Dave
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2007
My Superteam of Super Dewds
Commander: Charmeleon
2nd in command/ interpreter for Charmeleon: King Leonidus
Sergeant: Bruce Willis
Including the talents of:
Master Chief
The Hamburgaler
Tom Clancey
The Assault Rifle
Paul Horyn
Tom from myspace
David Blaine
The Digital World
*
Some army guys
Sticky nades
People who wear hats
The Black Eyed Peas
Arthur
The opposite of Rick
2nd in command/ interpreter for Charmeleon: King Leonidus
Sergeant: Bruce Willis
Including the talents of:
Master Chief
The Hamburgaler
Tom Clancey
The Assault Rifle
Paul Horyn
Tom from myspace
David Blaine
The Digital World
*
Some army guys
Sticky nades
People who wear hats
The Black Eyed Peas
Arthur
The opposite of Rick
Thursday, June 28, 2007
The Host Romp Continues
"Jeez, Tyson says he's better at Halo, and then just uses host shotgun." ---- "Dave, we're all on the same xbox, there's no host." ----- "Oh, Tyson is still hosting up that n00b shotgun." ----- "Dave, you just killed me." ---- "God Tyson, stop using host for ONE second!" ----- "THERE'S NO HOST! We're playing Dead or Alive!" -The Host Romp Continues
While waiting in line at a KFC where outside, protesters are picketing against the establishment and how it treats it's animals, two protesters are seen inside, in the line: "Uhh, hey, aren't you protesting KFC?" ----- "Yeah, well, we're only getting the fries, okay?" -A friend of mine and a protester
"I think cliffhanger endings are..." -Get it?
"Well baby, when I first saw you, we were at the hippy rock show. You called me an ignorant male oppressor, and spat in my face because I like meat. But the first time I got a whiff of that patchouli you were wearing, oh, I knew it was love. I think we're gonna make it." -Reese Roper
Once, Rebecca got me a new shirt. Logically, I figured the next step after receiving it was tearing my other shirt to pieces, putting it in a bag, and leaving it behind the Dairy Queen counter in the mall when the girl wasn't looking. Then Rebecca told me that I couldn't go join Women's Fitness. What a day. -Me at the mall
"Now the world doesn't work cause we've broken it,
And we need dope or Prozac just to cope with it,
Now the beast speaks his peace to the congress,
Plans to propagate, proposition 666.
Hitler's still alive in the knives of abortionists,
And the news twists the truth like contortionists,
And they wonder what happened to humanity?
They say "peace" but we're headed for THE DAIRY QUEEN" -The best parody ever written
Trixie
Tricky
Turkey
Turker
Turk
Foobar -The degeneration of my dog's name by me
(Regarding above: After a spellcheck, the only name on the list of dog names revealed to be a spelling error was Turker. Think about it.)
"So, how long have you two been dating?"----
*Checks watch*
"Nearly 11 months." -I heart my watch
"Looks like you're gonna fail math Dave. You'll be in a lot of trouble when your parents find out."----- "Not if I blow math up!" *pulls out dynamite plunger*------ "Dave, what could you have possibly strapped dynamite to, that would blow up math?" ----- "Stephen Hawking."
-It's about time someone blew him up
"Homer, there's someone here who I think can help you."
"Is it Batman?"
"No, it's a scientist."
"Batman's a scientist."
"It's not Batman!" -Homer and Marge
"Let's go outside, Foobar."
-Dave
While waiting in line at a KFC where outside, protesters are picketing against the establishment and how it treats it's animals, two protesters are seen inside, in the line: "Uhh, hey, aren't you protesting KFC?" ----- "Yeah, well, we're only getting the fries, okay?" -A friend of mine and a protester
"I think cliffhanger endings are..." -Get it?
"Well baby, when I first saw you, we were at the hippy rock show. You called me an ignorant male oppressor, and spat in my face because I like meat. But the first time I got a whiff of that patchouli you were wearing, oh, I knew it was love. I think we're gonna make it." -Reese Roper
Once, Rebecca got me a new shirt. Logically, I figured the next step after receiving it was tearing my other shirt to pieces, putting it in a bag, and leaving it behind the Dairy Queen counter in the mall when the girl wasn't looking. Then Rebecca told me that I couldn't go join Women's Fitness. What a day. -Me at the mall
"Now the world doesn't work cause we've broken it,
And we need dope or Prozac just to cope with it,
Now the beast speaks his peace to the congress,
Plans to propagate, proposition 666.
Hitler's still alive in the knives of abortionists,
And the news twists the truth like contortionists,
And they wonder what happened to humanity?
They say "peace" but we're headed for THE DAIRY QUEEN" -The best parody ever written
Trixie
Tricky
Turkey
Turker
Turk
Foobar -The degeneration of my dog's name by me
(Regarding above: After a spellcheck, the only name on the list of dog names revealed to be a spelling error was Turker. Think about it.)
"So, how long have you two been dating?"----
*Checks watch*
"Nearly 11 months." -I heart my watch
"Looks like you're gonna fail math Dave. You'll be in a lot of trouble when your parents find out."----- "Not if I blow math up!" *pulls out dynamite plunger*------ "Dave, what could you have possibly strapped dynamite to, that would blow up math?" ----- "Stephen Hawking."
-It's about time someone blew him up
"Homer, there's someone here who I think can help you."
"Is it Batman?"
"No, it's a scientist."
"Batman's a scientist."
"It's not Batman!" -Homer and Marge
"Let's go outside, Foobar."
-Dave
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Foo Boo Magoo
I was out walking yesterday, after work, when I noticed a man stumbling oddly across the street. I walked over to see if he was okay to find him coughing blood. He collapsed on the ground, and I assumed the worst. I called 911, and within minutes, EMS showed up. The medics jumped from the ambulance, and began spitting blood as well. They fell over, dead, within seconds.
I had no idea what was happening, so I ran home as fast as I could. Men, women, and children, lay dead or dying on the sidewalks and streets. I saw a jet crash out of the sky into the public pool. I could only assume that hundreds lost their lives.
When I arrived at home, I saw a terrible sight. My dog impaled on a long pike, my brother and sister bound together and shot, and my parents hanging from a tree branch by a rope around the neck. I collapsed to the ground at let out a heart-piercing scream.
It was about that time Ashton Kutcher jumped out from a bush and yelled, "You got Punk'd!"
I had no idea what was happening, so I ran home as fast as I could. Men, women, and children, lay dead or dying on the sidewalks and streets. I saw a jet crash out of the sky into the public pool. I could only assume that hundreds lost their lives.
When I arrived at home, I saw a terrible sight. My dog impaled on a long pike, my brother and sister bound together and shot, and my parents hanging from a tree branch by a rope around the neck. I collapsed to the ground at let out a heart-piercing scream.
It was about that time Ashton Kutcher jumped out from a bush and yelled, "You got Punk'd!"
"Jackie Chan's not Asian, he's Chinese." -Andrew, on idiocy
"I'm so sick of you quoting that!" -Andrew, again
"And with that, Mitchell got a real taste of anger. It tasted like cold scrambled eggs, which only added to his rage." -Anger in it's truest of forms
"Frito" -One of the Jackson 6
John didn't ever get his answer to whether it was spelled "mousse" or "moose", because he was trampled by a moose. Or was it a mousse? -Makes you think
"Know what you should think about? Why we drive on parkways, and park on driveways." "Know what you should think about? Wearing a bathrobe or some pajamas or something when you get your morning paper." -A thinker
Friday, June 1, 2007
Passion Flakie
Good evening reader. Today was another pointless, aimless, schoolless day.
I showed a friend this blog and they asked me why I made it. I figured I had explained it well enough, but apparently not. Let me tell you the true story behind No Voicebox.
I was sitting at my computer, drunk on power, and blinded in the dull flickering light on my dirty basement. I put out my cigarette on my forearm, and crushed my beer can on my head. My cat was moaning about not being fed for a week, so I threw my monitor at him. After I replaced my monitor, and shook off my hangover, I logged on to blogger, moved my mouse over the "Create a Blog" button, and said to myself in a wacky British accent, "Why the hell not, mate?"
With that, I made my blog, and buried my cat. And here we are. THAT'S HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED
I wanted to avoid working one day, so I got an armful of cardboard and started doing laps of the sales floor. My boss came up to me after about an hour of that and asked, "David, what are you doing with that cardboard?" I looked at her for a second, and thinking quickly I responded, "Foo boo magoo!" With that I threw my armful of cardboard at her and ran away. I bet she's still standing there. Standing there thinking, what the hell...what the hell? -A story
"Oh Dave, you got a bird?" "Yep." "What's his name?" "Bird." "That's not very creative." "Bird doesn't like you." -What I SHOULD have said
"I closed the car door on my hand." -A detailed retelling of the saddest story ever told
Some people look at it this way: I paid $60 for Crackdown, and the Halo 3 Beta is a bonus.
Some people look at it this way: I paid $6o for the Halo 3 Beta, and Crackdown is a bonus.
I look at it this way: Crackdown sucks the big one.
"Crackdown is one of those games that makes you want to play another game." "What game?" "The game where you put a gun to your head, and see how many times you can pull the trigger before you die." -Someone much wiser than I
"Miiiiiniiiii....wheats wheats wheats..." -Spontaneus Nate
"And with that, everyone took off on their pogo sticks." -The climax of a thrilling story
"Strawberries are just...oh my God...perfection." -Anonymous Strawberry Enthusiast
"What's the worst part about losing your legs in the war, Grandpa?" "...not being able to walk, you ignorant little prick!" -An undesirable grandfather
"War is a terrible thing...just terrible." "So is fast food." -Brilliant. Just Brilliant.
"Done and done" -Dave on finishing
I showed a friend this blog and they asked me why I made it. I figured I had explained it well enough, but apparently not. Let me tell you the true story behind No Voicebox.
I was sitting at my computer, drunk on power, and blinded in the dull flickering light on my dirty basement. I put out my cigarette on my forearm, and crushed my beer can on my head. My cat was moaning about not being fed for a week, so I threw my monitor at him. After I replaced my monitor, and shook off my hangover, I logged on to blogger, moved my mouse over the "Create a Blog" button, and said to myself in a wacky British accent, "Why the hell not, mate?"
With that, I made my blog, and buried my cat. And here we are. THAT'S HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED
I wanted to avoid working one day, so I got an armful of cardboard and started doing laps of the sales floor. My boss came up to me after about an hour of that and asked, "David, what are you doing with that cardboard?" I looked at her for a second, and thinking quickly I responded, "Foo boo magoo!" With that I threw my armful of cardboard at her and ran away. I bet she's still standing there. Standing there thinking, what the hell...what the hell? -A story
"Oh Dave, you got a bird?" "Yep." "What's his name?" "Bird." "That's not very creative." "Bird doesn't like you." -What I SHOULD have said
"I closed the car door on my hand." -A detailed retelling of the saddest story ever told
Some people look at it this way: I paid $60 for Crackdown, and the Halo 3 Beta is a bonus.
Some people look at it this way: I paid $6o for the Halo 3 Beta, and Crackdown is a bonus.
I look at it this way: Crackdown sucks the big one.
"Crackdown is one of those games that makes you want to play another game." "What game?" "The game where you put a gun to your head, and see how many times you can pull the trigger before you die." -Someone much wiser than I
"Miiiiiniiiii....wheats wheats wheats..." -Spontaneus Nate
"And with that, everyone took off on their pogo sticks." -The climax of a thrilling story
"Strawberries are just...oh my God...perfection." -Anonymous Strawberry Enthusiast
"What's the worst part about losing your legs in the war, Grandpa?" "...not being able to walk, you ignorant little prick!" -An undesirable grandfather
"War is a terrible thing...just terrible." "So is fast food." -Brilliant. Just Brilliant.
"Done and done" -Dave on finishing
Thursday, May 31, 2007
It always seems so clever
Someone once said to themselves, "why not make a blog?"
And here you are. Welcome.
I made this blog because it always seems like such a good idea to make a new exciting blog with limitless possibilities. Everyone will read it this time, I try to convince myself. Secretly, I know it is destined to crash and burn, as millions of other aimless gimmickless blogs do, but I'd rather DIE than admit it out loud. Honestly. If held up at gunpoint, and ordered to admit that my new blog is doomed from the start, or be shot, I would tell the guy in plain, loud, english, "I'd rather DIE, cupcake!"
With that nonsense out of our way, let me move on to the real reason I created this blog: bad advice and untrue facts.
"When a woman says that nothing's wrong, that means that everything's wrong. And when a woman says that everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something's not funny, you better not laugh your ass off...ha...haha..."
-Homer Simpson on Woman
"Glory is only glorious when glory glory...DOUBLE KILL, biznatches!" -Dave on Halo 2
"Grenades are only dangerous when the pin's out, stupid. Jeez, just let the kid play with it, Stan"
-Father of the year 1997
"I think that guy's sick. He's all bent over." "No, he's just gay." -Someones girlfriend
"Eric, what you said is irrelevant." "You're an elephant." "Augh, you're such a hypocrite." "You're a hippopotamus." -Eric on debating
"I'm sorry about your cat, Mr. Robbs." "Why, what's wrong with my cat?" *stomp*
-Anonymous on cats
"Now Billy, will you stay here while daddy and I go inside?" "You can't trust that kid, just take away his wheelchair!" -Father of the year 1998
"Happy Quails" -Michelle on ending emails
"Wow, way to use host shotgun" "David, we're on the same xbox, how can I have host?" "You n00b with your host..." "I can't have host! We're not on Live!" "Andrew, I'm going to level with you, you're a host nub. I'd own you if you didn't have host." "THERE'S NO HOST!"
-Dave on Gears of War
"Oh, shotgun blast and melee, and he doesn't die. What? Oh, again, he killed me. Man, I'm lagging. God..Wha- no- damn- Augh, they never die. What? No. Augh. Oh, I killed him. What? I died somehow. Damn- what?" -Paul on being bad at Halo
"How did you steal my stick?" -Anonymous victim of Dave's lifehacking skillz
"Dave, I hope you die." -Asia
"Batman owns the New York Yankees." -Fact
And here you are. Welcome.
I made this blog because it always seems like such a good idea to make a new exciting blog with limitless possibilities. Everyone will read it this time, I try to convince myself. Secretly, I know it is destined to crash and burn, as millions of other aimless gimmickless blogs do, but I'd rather DIE than admit it out loud. Honestly. If held up at gunpoint, and ordered to admit that my new blog is doomed from the start, or be shot, I would tell the guy in plain, loud, english, "I'd rather DIE, cupcake!"
With that nonsense out of our way, let me move on to the real reason I created this blog: bad advice and untrue facts.
"When a woman says that nothing's wrong, that means that everything's wrong. And when a woman says that everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something's not funny, you better not laugh your ass off...ha...haha..."
-Homer Simpson on Woman
"Glory is only glorious when glory glory...DOUBLE KILL, biznatches!" -Dave on Halo 2
"Grenades are only dangerous when the pin's out, stupid. Jeez, just let the kid play with it, Stan"
-Father of the year 1997
"I think that guy's sick. He's all bent over." "No, he's just gay." -Someones girlfriend
"Eric, what you said is irrelevant." "You're an elephant." "Augh, you're such a hypocrite." "You're a hippopotamus." -Eric on debating
"I'm sorry about your cat, Mr. Robbs." "Why, what's wrong with my cat?" *stomp*
-Anonymous on cats
"Now Billy, will you stay here while daddy and I go inside?" "You can't trust that kid, just take away his wheelchair!" -Father of the year 1998
"Happy Quails" -Michelle on ending emails
"Wow, way to use host shotgun" "David, we're on the same xbox, how can I have host?" "You n00b with your host..." "I can't have host! We're not on Live!" "Andrew, I'm going to level with you, you're a host nub. I'd own you if you didn't have host." "THERE'S NO HOST!"
-Dave on Gears of War
"Oh, shotgun blast and melee, and he doesn't die. What? Oh, again, he killed me. Man, I'm lagging. God..Wha- no- damn- Augh, they never die. What? No. Augh. Oh, I killed him. What? I died somehow. Damn- what?" -Paul on being bad at Halo
"How did you steal my stick?" -Anonymous victim of Dave's lifehacking skillz
"Dave, I hope you die." -Asia
"Batman owns the New York Yankees." -Fact
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